Rae ended up spending the summer after graduation outside the city. I'd text her things she wanted to hear and do things I knew she'd want me to do, all while screaming inside my head and wanting to run away. I knew I was going to lose her as a girlfriend AND a friend, but I didn't want to face it. The situation was especially complicated due to our friendship. I still can't decode all my feelings from that time, but I can tell you it was a vivid combination of anxiety, suffocation, and self-loathing. It wasn't just because Rae was a woman and I was (mostly) straight - I'm also a huge commitment-phobe. It didn't take long for me to completely freak out. I tried to sleep with Rae after we'd been drinking and I had the courage to ask, but she always said she wasn't ready. We went on dates, held hands, kissed, and fooled around - but in the three months we were together, we didn't have sex. "I like people, not genders," I told myself.
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I jumped at this miraculous epiphany and asked her to be my girlfriend. This went on for months until one morning, fighting a severe hangover in late spring, I realized that my feelings for Rae were not simply the product of alcohol. We'd wake up the next day and act like nothing happened. They say alcohol-fueled words are sober truths but I had a bit of a drinking problem - and a bigger issue with taking a long, sober look at what I'd done the night before. I was messing with her head and didn't even realize it, or I guess I didn't care. I was not gay, so this was not fair to Rae.Īny time we drank together, I told her how much I liked her. Little did I know, the makings of real feelings were bubbling under the surface. Yup: we drank too much at parties and made out. Our crossover to a more-than-friends relationship started out like your classic Van Wilder movie. Rae was my best friend all through college in New York City. I explored sexual fluidity under the false security of alcohol So while my boyfriend's a cisgender male and I definitely prefer D to V, my last relationship was with a woman. I've had a lot of boyfriends and a lot of sex with men. Since I experience with both sexes, I can often mislead and hurt people of both sexes. I have been a bit of a fuckgirl in my day. A lot of my sexploits, both male and female, have been selfishly inclined. This proves problematic for both me and the people I have around me. I am mostly sexually inclined toward the D, but that doesn't mean I am ALL the time. "What do you mean, 'mostly'?" people will ask me.
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In a world full of labels designed to put people into boxes, I identify, officially, as "mostly heterosexual." But this isn't a label people easily understand. We've been dating for more than two years and while every relationship comes with its share of pitfalls, our partnership is stable, healthy, and I'm sure one day we'll get married. I live with my long-term boyfriend and am happily settled in a heterosexual relationship.